It can be difficult to decide to get a divorce when you are afraid of what will be going on with your children when they are out of your sight. Sometimes it is unfounded fear that has to do with control issues. Other times though it has to do with the history of the other parent that has lead up to the divorce.
If a parent has problems with alcohol or drug abuse the children may be in danger. There is enough evidence to suggest that the behaviors of such individuals are often unpredictable. A history of violent behavior is another reason to try to keep the children from being alone with that parent. Even if the children were never physically harmed, they may have witnessed such behavior or been emotionally abused.
Sexual abuse is a complaint that can come up as well. This is even harder to prove as many parents claim it as a ploy to prevent children from leaving. It has been proven false in enough cases to make judges weary. Yet sexual abuse on children at the hands of their own parents does happen. Make sure you follow the legal advice of your attorney if you have such claims to bring up in order to protect your children from further abuse.
It is very important that you have as much information documented as you can. While you don’t necessary want to drag your spouse through the mud you have every right to protect your children. You may have documents on file with the local police department. Yet many people don’t report such incidents and so they may not be there.
Document witnesses though that may have seen what was taking place. Neighbors may have seen arguments, friends may have seen bruises, and your doctor may have information on file as well. Keep in mind that the courts may view a great deal of the information like this you bring in as hearsay but do what you can to get them to see the relevance of it.
If nothing else they may order an evaluation of both parents. This way they can get an expert opinion about the mental well being of the individuals. These assessments are in place to look for patterns of behavior that may not be good for children to be exposed to. The court is often in a difficult position though. On one hand they don’t want to prevent children from seeing a parent due to the stories of the other. However, they definitely don’t want to place children into the hands of a person who is going to cause them harm.
The court may rule that there isn’t enough evidence to prove the parent shouldn’t be alone with the children. They may decide that parenting classes as well as anger management or drug/alcohol treatment must be completed before they can be alone with the children. The court also has the right to initiate only supervised visitations for that parent.
If you feel your children are in danger at the hands of the other parent though you need to speak up. We read too many cases these days of children being abused, neglected, and even killed at the hands of a parent. It is your right and your duty as their parent to do all you can to get the facts out there and to protect them from any such harm.
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No one except an individual can determine whether or not a divorce is right for him or her. However, there are some general questions which pretty much apply to everybody. Thinking about the following issues may help them evaluate whether a divorce is right for themselves.
What specifically is making someone think of divorce?
Physical Abuse
When a spouse is violent to someone and/or their kids, this is a safety issue. No matter what someone may have done, noone deserves to be physically hurt. Spouses may try to justify their actions by casting blame for all marital problems. A marriage requires effort by both persons to make it work.
Ask the following questions:
a. Has your spouse tried to isolate you from your friends and family?
b. Have you had to call the police to stop violence?
c. Have you ever had to go to the hospital as a result of being hurt by your spouse?
d. Does your spouse apologize after hurting you and promise ‘never to do it again?’
e. Do you try to do everything ‘right’ to keep your spouse from losing his or her temper?
f. Does this work for a little while, only to have the violence eventually start again?
g. Can you feel the pressure building in between violent episodes?
h. Does the smallest thing set off a violent episode?
i. Do you feel that nothing you do is right?
If someone can identify with the above questions, he or she may be a victim of "battered spouse syndrome." This situation, although it can occur with both wives and husbands, usually describes a situation in which a husband is physically abusing his wife.
A great deal of psychological and legal study has been done on this topic. Often, women who have been abused "forgive their husbands" and stay in the abusive situation. It has been found that five times is the average number of times a woman leaves her spouse before she can successfully escape the psychological control an abusive spouse can have over her.
Often, an abused wife alienates her family and friends who get angry when they try to help the woman leave, only to learn that she has returned to her husband and the dangerous situation.
Many think they don’t have anywhere to go. Most cities have special shelters for woman and children and will keep a location secret from husbands. Free legal fees are also frequently available.
Help is definitely available. Don’t stay or permit children to stay in a situation which could result in serious injury or even death.
Those who think they may be the abuser in this situation may also find help to stop the pattern of behavior to move forward and enjoy the pleasure of a healthy, happy relationship.
Everyone deserves a second chance at happiness. Everybody can change and learn and grow from our mistakes. Maybe counseling is the answer. Maybe an anger management class would help; or, spiritual guidance from a member of the clergy. Perhaps yoga, meditation or some other form of ‘alternative’ medicine. Reach out and find the help that is available.
The Affair
Most believe that never in a million years could it happen to them. All of sudden, a spouse stays up late or gets up in the middle of the night to use the computer. Chat rooms, e-mails, internet ‘buddies.’ How did that picture get distributed on the internet? (You know, the one you took thinking that it would remain private between you and your spouse.)
Then, there are the old-fashioned, more traditional ways to cheat: the business trip, the co-worker, or the high school reunion hook-up. Let’s not forget the world’s oldest profession.
The question is – does someone leave or stay?
The world is divided into two groups of people – spouses who can forgive an affair by their spouse and move forward – and those who can’t.
Those who fall victim to a wandering spouse should be honest and think about whether they want the marriage to continue. Is there a sincere desire to work things out, or is someone secretly determined to make their spouse’s life a living hell? Maybe they don’t really want this consciously; perhaps they just can’t help themselves.
Maybe personal or spiritual values will keep them from continuing in a marriage in which a spouse has cheated. Or, the opposite could be true – those who feel they are committed to stay in a marriage no matter what.
Being honest about true motives will go a long way towards helping make the right decision.
It’s also possible that the marriage has been over for a long time. What would have to happen to save a relationship – talk about what seems to be missing in the marriage? Do the spouses still love each other?
Or, is it just a day late and a dollar short?
Sometimes, a couple has passed the point of no return. Regardless of whether a spouse wants a divorce or not, the State of Texas will not force a couple to live together if one of them wants a divorce. Most of the time, one person leaves the relationship long before the other. A spouse may need some ‘catch-up’ time to get used to this idea.
If this is the case, be prepared for a bumpy ride for awhile. A spouse will probably alternate between being angry, depressed, bargaining, penitent, furious, grieving, victimized, vengeful, retaliatory, depressed again, pathetic, and hostile (and then all over again).
It’s possible spouses may not know which of the other spouse’s "multiple personalities" they are going to have to deal with on any given day. One minute, everything is calm and both are talking rationally. The next day, they’re living in the seventh circle of hell.
It helps to remember that some of this is purely situational; ie. it is (believe it or not) normal behavior. It isn’t actually about the two individuals – one and a spouse. Instead, it’s about being hurt and feeling betrayed. Both parties feel guilty. Both are suffering. Both feel just plain miserable.
Debt
Those purchases seemed like a good idea at the time. All of a sudden, credit card debt and lots of it (thousands and thousands of dollars worth) moves the question to whether to declare bankruptcy and then get divorced or vice versa.
Some may not want or intend to declare bankruptcy at all. If this is a consideration though, contact a bankruptcy attorney to best consider the options that make the most sense for a personal situation.
Other kinds of financial problems frequently stress a marriage and can bring it to an early conclusion: gambling, excessive drinking, drug use (the costs involved here), spending on step-children or adult children.
Got problems with child support from a previous relationship? (Interest and penalties can cause the most loving spouse to lose his or her sense of humor.)
Money can’t buy happiness. It has been suggested that the people who believe that don’t know where to shop.
Food and shelter are pretty basic needs (Maslow’s Hierarchy – Psychology 101). A spouse who thinks his or her partner is to blame for their financial ruin may just decide to cut their losses and run (very fast).
Debt counseling and debt consolidation could help. Getting out from under steep monthly payments may provide much needed relief, as can re-financing the house or a home equity loan. These solutions will only work if the couple cures the disease and not just the symptoms. A serious change in lifestyle is in order.
Can a couple work this through? Can they afford to split up? Two people can live together cheaper than they can apart – sometimes, a couple literally cannot make it financially living separately.
Conclusion
Those who review these questions may not be any closer to knowing whether or not filing for divorce is the right answer, but may find it helpful when thinking about some of the above in the decision making process.
About The Author
Law Office of Marilyn Gale Vilyus
Attorney/ Mediator
16151 Cairnway Drive Ste. 210
Houston, TX 77084
281-550-6650
http://www.westhoustonattorney.com
Not certified by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization.
This article is designed for general information only. This information is not intended to be legal advice. Consult an attorney for before making any legal decisions based on your individual circumstances.
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I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism". People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary…
So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking.
"If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers".
The Pollyanna defences of the abused are aimed against the emerging and horrible understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one – as well as against the unbearable realization that their pain means nothing to anyone but themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain.
The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning – as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism – these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal.
By: Sam Vaknin
Article Directory: http://www.articledashboard.com
Sam Vaknin ( samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain – How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101. Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia. Visit Sam’s Web site at samvak.tripod.com
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Some of my clients have come to me feeling like their worlds were not under their own control. They felt as though everyone else ran their lives and had some aspect of control in everything that they did. I asked them to note some specific situations in which they felt this way and how they felt "out of control" of the situation. It’s interesting to note that in every circumstance, there was some aspect of "guilt" or "second-guessing" involved. Indeed, these are the purest signs of self-relinquished control.
There are many ways that people can feel "loss of control" in their lives. We can lose control through frustration and burn-out, living in a rut, stagnation, illness, change, and trauma. However, one of the most common is unconsciously giving up control to others. This is an unconscious act involving two or more parties where party "A" literally hands over the reins to party "B".
At one time, "parental voices" controlled and molded our lives. These are the voices and rules provided by authority, family, and friends from whom our core belief systems evolved. However, some external influences and people can re-engage that basic instinct for seeking parental acceptance simply by imposing doubt into your world. By accepting the guilt or self-doubt imposed by others, you begin to live in someone else’s "context". You surrender your own belief systems and adopt those of the other party. In doing so, you begin to live by the rules and controls of the other person.
One of the more common areas in which this occurs is in a professional or group setting where power and control are part of the environment. Many politically savvy individuals ("A") will take control of others ("B") simply by learning their ways, gaining their trust, and then embedding doubt or a feeling of non-acceptance. In this way, "A" is now subconsciously seen as the parental figure and "B" requires acceptance from "A". "A" is now in control of "B". Over time, "B" grows to feel animosity towards "A", but is usually unsure why except for the fact that "B" doesn’t like the way that "A" treats them.
Once you fall into this situation, it is difficult to break free. You have to go through and undo the web of emotions and doubt that now clouds your thinking. However, you have to realize that it’s not so much how "A" treats you as it is how you feel about your view of their treatment. By separating your ego and emotions from the situation, you are better able to break free from the reins of self-relinquished control. But, it’s not so much that they have explicit control over you as it is that you are merely seeking their acceptance. It’s an interesting situation to observe!
The best way to prevent such situations from occurring is to go through your own psyche and find out which "parental voices" are still present and dislodge them. You need to replace the old, worn out parental triggers with your own rules for your evolving belief systems. Of course, we usually just leave these voices where they are out of comfort and because they seem to work. However, these are triggers that can be tripped to cause us to fall into this loss-of-control scenario.
I recall one young man who, once he finished college, simply hung out in a local pub. He could not figure out what to do with his life. His parents had passed on, he had no other relatives around, so he just "waited" for anyone and anything that tripped his triggers. Because of this, he ended up in trouble from time to time because he was easily misled by people who gave him what he wanted — acceptance and direction. After much work and planning, he began to move forward in his life and is slowly becoming a success in his own right. But, as you can see, these types of situations are very common and can occur just about anytime to anyone. I’ve also seen such issues occur with abused women, corporations, and myriad other inter-personal situations. People tend to sit and wait for acceptance and guidance from others because they relinquished control.
Live your own life by replacing these triggers with your own rules for living. You will never obtain acceptance from everyone as the rest of the world is out seeking acceptance as well. It’s a never-ending cycle! Learn to accept yourself as, in the long run, you are the only person who has a stake in your own decisions and endeavors for a self-fulfilling life.
About The Author
Edward B. Toupin is an author, publisher, life-strategy coach, counselor, Reiki Master, technical writer, and PhD Candidate living in Las Vegas, NV. Among other things, he authors books, articles, and screenplays on topics ranging from career success through life organization and fulfillment. Check out some of his recent print and electronic books as well as his articles covering various life-changing topics! For more information, and to find out about his upcoming title on book publishing, e-mail Edward at etoupin@toupin.com or visit his site at http://www.toupin.com!
Copyright (c) Edward B. Toupin
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I wrote a novel about a family group that shucks off civilization and goes to live in an ancient cliff dwelling in Arizona. It seemed like a fun concept. Don’t we all sometimes dream of a simpler life? Doesn’t the past look good through a long lens?
My story’s wife and mother, Leah Ellis, isn’t wild about the project. It’s her husband who is enamored with the past, not she. Their son thinks the idea is cool; their daughter is too young to have an opinion. Leah’s best friend signs on, along with the group’s leader, a renegade archaeologist who holds strange sway over them all.
For years I had been an advocate for victims of domestic violence, not happy work. I was ready to write a lightweight adventure novel. Only after reviews characterized the book as ‘disturbing’ did I realize I’d brought my work with me. I had written a metaphor for the difficult journey that abused women must make to be free.
In my story, Leah worries as her husband becomes withdrawn from society. He has already moved his family from its native Philadelphia to Arizona, so he can be near the ‘ancients.’ Leah has had to leave her familiar surroundings and the people she loves.
Isolation is a weapon in the abuser’s arsenal. Keeping his victim separated from people she knows will make her dependent on him and give him the upper hand.
Leah adores her husband; sex is good; she knows he loves her, even though their life is weird sometimes.
Abused women may love their men no matter what. Besides, they are conditioned to stick it out. Love, or the memory of it, can allow abuse to continue for years.
Leah feels she has no right to complain. Her husband doesn’t hurt her, he requires nothing of her except to be available to visit the ruins with him, and they’re well off financially. His passion for the ancients defines their life. Leah puts aside her own interests to be supportive of his.
Victims of abuse often relinquish their interests voluntarily. I’ve often noticed that their core belief, their attitude toward themselves since birth, is that they are unimportant. Their abuserswho were ‘really nice guys’ when they metbring excitement to their lives. They make the decisions, have the responsibility, and take over in general. The women are relieved of having to create any part of their life together. They may view this as positive.
I also see a parallel between his obsession and the overuse of drugs or alcohol in sick relationships. Unless these addictions are overcome, it’s almost impossible to address the underlying issues.
Now Leah’s husband takes them on a camping trip that is strenuous and austere. He says they should learn to live without comforts because the ancients did. Only he knows the way back. When he finally gets them home, Leah is livid. She won’t go near him for days.
This part of the story parallels the ’storm clouds gathering’ phase so familiar to victims of domestic violence. The abuser may threaten, blame, give orders, drink too much, be possessive or jealous, or throw tantrums. Both members of the couple may argue and be confrontational.
At this point the abuser may resort to pushing or perhaps give a short slapwhich usually puts an end to the argument. Later he may characterize the incident as a ‘fight.’ Often, in fact, he believes he has done a good thing by stopping the ‘fight.
In reality, what he has done is to reassert his dominance. He has given her fair warning of what will happen if she dares cross him again.
Leah, driven by loneliness, vows to stuff her anger. Her husband apologizes, and they make love. Everything’s fine again. Leah’s best friend comes to visit, bringing cheer and good memories. Once again Leah feelshopesthat she can make this new life work for them.
This is the ‘honeymoon’ stage. He is contrite for his behavior and afraid he’s pushed her too far. This would be an opportune time for the woman to demand some changes. She could use his remorse to lay down rules and extract promises.
Unfortunately, it’s a rare woman who ‘gets’ the lesson the first time. Shelter intake statistics show an average of seven incidents before a woman takes action. The pattern may repeat over days, weeks, or years, with long or short intervals between ’storm clouds gathering’ and ‘honeymoon.’
With the collusion of his mentor the archaeologist, the husband tricks Leah, her friend, and the children into another ‘camping trip’ to the uplands of Arizona. This foray turns out to be the really big move, into an abandoned ruin. Here they are expected to create a new society modeled on the presumed lives of the ancients.
Often there is a single incident that finally pushes the woman over the edge. The flare-up may bring the police, involve the children, put her in the hospital, or send him to jail. Whatever the trigger, she decides to get out.
Leah quells her outrage, gets her bearings in the woods, and starts to plan. She’ll walk and search in a different direction every day. She tells nobody what she’s up to. She also finds a hidden cave, and in it she uncover some ancient pottery and a fetish. She doesn’t understand these items, but she chooses to believe the ancients are sending her a message. She begins to follow her instincts.
It takes enormous courage for a woman to seek help and take charge of her future. She may call a friend, a hotline, or the cops. Yellow pages, the internet, a shelterall are sources of information. Now she must be careful. She may have found a domestic violence counselor to help her think through her options. Where can she go? What resources does she have? What protection does she need?
Only she can assess what her perpetrator will do if he gets wind of her plans. Will he let her go, or will he come after her? Will he threaten her legally (seeking custody of the children, breaking her financially) or physically?
Leah also continues trying to persuade her husband to take them out of the wilderness. But despite a growing rivalry with the archaeologist, the two men are united in their determination to stick with the new society. Leah is on her own.
Even while planning their escape, battered women often hope their abuser will change. It’s hard to believe a woman would agree to live or sleep with a man who has mistreated her repeatedly. But when women face the prospect of losing their home, their income, or their children, they may have to make an unacceptable choice. If they do stay with the abuser, it may be in their emotional best interest to hope he will change.
Leah finally discovers a way to a section of the woods from which she could escape. But the archaeologist has tracked her there and leaves an unmistakable message: come back, or never see your children again. Defeated, she returns. The group moves to a camp deeper in the woods from which escape looks impossible.
It is rare that an abuser will stop at one or two incidents. He is losing control and frantic to maintain it. This is the stage in which an abuser may harm a pet, beat his wife or children, or do serious damage to property. If he has been violent before, the chances are he will be violent again. If he has threatened to kill her, she had better take his word for it. She must get out of therenow.
Leah, desperate, makes the excruciating choice. She grabs her son and heads out, knowing they will be stalked, and that things will go badly if they are caught. Leah calls upon the wisdom of the ancients. Now she trusts her instincts. She has lost much, and she may lose more, but this is her only hope.
Choices for battered women are often very tough. Leave, and lose financial support, property, custody. Stay, and risk losing all that, and maybe your life as well.
Fear, despair, and hope are powerful. They can pronounce life sentences on women who lack the will or resources to escape. Sadly, many who remain will see further violence. Lives are ruined and families are shattered.
Without giving away too much of the story, I can tell you that Leah and her son find strengths they never dreamed of and resources they’ve never called upon before. They make painful decisions that they can never tell a soul, and that they’ll live with for the rest of their lives. But they come out of the woods alive.
Women who escape rarely find a smooth road. They may be depressed, disillusioned, ground down by poverty, deprived of children or property. It may be agonizing to face friends and colleagues. If they are raising their children alone, someday they’ll confront the children’s questions about their fathers. They may be tied up in legal wrangling for years. They may have to move far away, change their names, and live in secret.
But every day they can say, ‘I am alive.’
About The Author
Gail Wanman Holstein is an advocate for survivors of domestic violence. She is also the author of Waking the Ancients: A Novel of the Mogollon Rim,Thundercloud Books, ISBN 0-9740806-3-2. See reviews, excerpts, and discussion questions on http://www.WakingTheAncients.com
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The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), passed into law in 1994 and amended in 2001, provides hope for immigrant domestic violence survivors. An abused immigrant who is married to a U.S. citizen or Lawful Permanent Resident or who divorced her abuser in the past two years may now petition on her own for an immigrant visa and green card application, without the abuser’s knowledge or consent.
In this confidential process, CIS (formerly called ‘INS’) agents cannot legally contact the abuser and tell the abusive spouse anything of the abused immigrant’s attempts to obtain a green card under VAWA. The process can often be completed within a year for those married to U.S. citizens. This process also provides renewed work authorization to lawful permanent residents who usually face a longer waiting period due to visa number backlogs. Further, there is no appearance in front of a judge required (the process is paper driven) by the immigrant spouse and s/he may leave her abuser at any time, without harm to her immigration status.
So, given these benefits, why do so many immigrants in such abusive marriages not file for their permanent residency under VAWA?
There are two main reasons. For one, many do not know of VAWA’s protections for abused immigrants and secondly, most do not recognize that what they have experienced or are still facing can be considered abuse or ‘extreme cruelty’ under U.S. immigration law.
A finding of ‘extreme cruelty’ (abuse under immigration law) is based on the emotional, psychological, financial, and/or physical abuse that an immigrant experiences during his or her marriage. The immigrant must not only prove to CIS that such abuse happened as best s/he is able but must also indicate how this abuse has affected the immigrant. What one immigrant may consider abusive (i.e., derogatory put-downs) may not be considered abusive to another immigrant or person, depending on their culture, upbringing, background, or life experiences.
The immigrant must explain to CIS why their spouse’s actions affect her so significantly and subjectively, and thus, why CIS should consider those actions, taken in their totality (i.e, a pattern can be shown instead of one or two extremely abusive actions) should be considered ‘extreme cruelty.’ For example, in many cases, a pattern of purely psychological abuse may be more terrifying and damaging to an immigrant’s emotional and physical well-being than physical abuse. It is important to point out that an immigrant does not have to indicate that she experienced physical abuse to receive an approved VAWA case.
The following lists some common examples of behavior that may be considered ‘abuse’ under U.S. immigration law:
Any type of Physical abuse, which also includes:
- Forcing you to have sex with him against your will, for fear that he will have you deported or will physically harm you
- Forcing you to engage in his sexually perverse behavior even though you do not want to
- infecting you with HIV or other disease due to his reckless or intentional acts
- Groping, grabbing or touching you in your private areas in private or in front of others, humiliating you and making you feel uncomfortable
- Forcing you to engage in unsafe sex with him or others
Psychological/Emotional Abuse may include:
- Repeatedly making fun of you and humiliating you
- Intimidating you (or threaten to harm your family or friends)
- Following you to or constantly calls you at your place of work trying to find out what you are doing
- Making degrading remarks about your home country or your gender or sexuality
- Threatening to have you and/or your children deported or call INS if you don’t do what he says or if you tell anyone about the abuse
- Threatening to withdraw his green card sponsorship
- Refusing to let you visit with your friends or family members or speak to them on the phone
- Keeping tabs on you all day and becomes angry/obsessive about your whereabouts and who your friends are
- Locks you in your own house or apartment
- Refusing to let you use the phone to contact anyone or the police
- Attempting to sabotage your friendships and work relationships
- Attempting to destroy your reputation or causes you to lose your job
- Giving you false hope that he will never hit you or abuse you again
- Holding your passport hostage if you don’t do what he wants
- Refusing to let you see your immigration papers and maintains absolute control
- Treating you as his servant
- Harming your pets or threatens to kill them
- Ignoring you when you speak to him and refuses to speak to you, unless you do what he wants
- Destroying your property
- Threatening to commit suicide
- Ignoring you for hours or days, refusing to speak to you or acknowledge that you are speaking
- Blaming you for the abuse and his poor choices
- Threatening to take away your children or tries to use your children against you
Financial Abuse may include:
- Forcing you to pay all the joint expenses and even his private expenses
- Forcing you to work double shifts, long hours, or perform demeaning work
- Forcing you to beg him for money, even for the emergencies and basic essentials
- Sorting through your things and invading your privacy, looking for items you have purchased and humiliatingly make you account to him for even your own spent money
- Refusing to buy you food or clothing
- Stealing from you
- Forbidding you access to your joint accounts
- Punishing you for purchases s/he made accusing you of lying or stealing from him/her
Many times, an immigrant who seeks legal assistance because of abuse does not mention psychological or financial abuse because she fears that she will not know how to prove it. Physical abuse usually can be documented with photos, police reports, court transcripts, and restraining orders, but admittedly, psychological abuse is more difficult to demonstrate.
It still can be proven, though, through evidence including detailed affidavits of witnesses, hospital records and counseling reports.
Financial abuse may also be proven through receipts, checking account statements, affidavits of witnesses, and other types of documentation. Its imperative for any immigrant in an abusive marriage to seek assistance from an attorney, to brain-storm with the attorney about what kinds of evidence and witnesses will be available, and more than anything, to know her options.
About The Author
Attorney Heather L. Poole practices family-based U.S. immigration law in Pasadena, California. She is a published immigration author and supervises abuse-based immigration cases at the Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women. She is an active resource to the ‘Violence Against Women experts’ list of the National Lawyers Guild, the National Network to End Violence Against Immigrant Women, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. She can be reached at 626.432.4550 or heather@humanrightsattorney.com. For more information on the options available to abused immigrants, access www.humanrightsattorney.com.
info@humanrightsattorney.com
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When starting a new relationship, many women (and men as well) tend to overlook some behaviors in their new partner that do not bode well for the future. Then, down the road, comes the exclamation ‘If I had only known…’. As a Psychotherapist who has worked with mostly women and a few men in the field of Domestic Violence, during counseling sessions we can always trace back unpleasant and also dangerous character traits to the very start of the relationship.
Here are some ‘Red Flags’ to watch out for in a new partner.
- He makes decisions about where to go with little or no input from you.
- He belittles your opinion when the two of you are alone and may call you names.
- He makes disparaging remarks about you in front of others and may talk about you as if you were not there.
- He may be rough during love-making and make you engage in acts you do not like.
- He does not want to spend time with your friends or family and insists you socialize with his people.
- He will not acknowledge your areas of expertise and may put down what you do in the workplace – ignore any of your accomplishments.
- He may openly flirt with other women and then accuse you of being jealous when you object.
- He gets angry and loses his temper over trivialities. Stays angry for a long time and attempts to blame all arguments on you.
- May hit walls when angry.
One of the main factors is that he comes on very strong in the beginning of your relationship – sweeps you off your feet – and wants an exclusive relationship too quickly. Many women feel flattered at the intensity of the man’s seeming need for an immediate connection and consequently overlook the inappropriateness of it.
*This should not be confused with ‘love at first sight’ where one or both parties feel an instant connection – without any of the aforementioned behaviors.*
There are many other factors that could be listed – but if the man in your life begins displaying the above qualities – realize it will not get better, only worse. He will likely be unwilling to discuss his emotions openly and feel that women are the inferior sex.
If this describes your man, run – do not walk – out of his life. The next step will likely be physical abuse.
About The Author
Terri Arnold, MS (Spicy Grandma) has been a Psychotherapist for over twenty years. She has owned and operated a brick and mortar dating service and has also helped abused women thru individual and group counseling to improve their self esteem, leave their abusive relationships and lead more fulfilling lives. Terri invites you to visit her popular personalized and informative 50+ dating community at http://www.spicy-senior-singles.com.
spicysrsingles@aol.com
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Have you ever found yourself in a repetitive and negative pattern of behavior in relationships? Have you consistently gotten unhappy results, but felt clueless as to how you got them? Have you believed that "they" were tricking or deceiving you? Have you suffered and been unhappy every time you’ve repeated the cycle? Do you wonder how to break free? There is a way.
The first thing to do is to realize that there is one common factor among all those experiences…you. Even though, seemingly, you made great efforts in your selections so as not to make the "same mistake" again, you got the same results. Even though you took great care to behave differently this time, it turned out the same…you were upset and unhappy. How could it be that, no matter what you did differently, you still ended up miserable?
There can be only one explanation. YOU are the common factor in all these relationships. You must be dong something…albeit consciously…that produces what you’re getting.
Take care here; however, this is not a reason to be mean to yourself. It’s not about being self abusive or calling yourself names. Don’t spiral down into the black hole of self hatred. This is simply a "light bulb" moment of realization, "I am the common factor, it must be a pattern of mine which is outside my conscious understanding at this time." Period!
It is nothing more, nothing less. I must be doing something repetitively…that I’m not aware of…that ends up negatively. This is not about making "them" wrong either. Most likely, it involves two people with unconscious patterns. It’s not about looking to blame anyone. There is no power in playing victim games. From this place, you can start to unravel the issue and begin to figure out what new behaviors you want to put into place.
The question to ask yourself is, "How did I Make That OK?" The purpose is to uncover the pattern of rationalizations you use to permit and allow unacceptable behavior.
An example might be that a woman with a pattern of allowing herself to be abused might have these rationalizations, "But he was so sorry, I’m sure he won’t do it again." or "He treated her that way, but he’s so madly in love with me. I’m sure he wouldn’t do that to me."
In this example, what new behaviors would make sense for this woman? How about, "I decide to no longer continue a relationship with a man at the first sign of abuse of me or others.", or "I am choosing to spend time with men who are gentle and kind to others as their way of being. I choose to notice when ‘gentle’ men become angry and rage about minor matters."
Another instance might be the man who consistently finds himself in a pattern of rescuing women. Asking, "How did I make that OK?" might bring him some answers like, "But she seems so helpless she needs me!", or "I can feel like a real hero by rescuing her and it’s hardly any effort to me." The potential new patterns here might be, "I choose to be aware when I’m picking up ‘I’m helpless. Rescue me.’ Signals.", or "I decide that my friends are self reliant without ‘helpless’ patterns."
Making a point of asking yourself, "How did I make that OK?" can uncover a wealth of information about your unconscious rationalizations. Looking at these justifications can help you discover the absurdity of your choices, undo your self defeating patterns, and put self supportive new habits into place.
By: Suzi Elton
Article Directory: http://www.articledashboard.com
Suzi Elton is a success coach working with highly creative types to create income that matches their talent. She has coached hundreds of clients to approach their goals strategically through tiny steps to bring about quantum leaps. Get free Life Purpose exercises, at mylifepurposecoaching.com.
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Technorati Tags: How Did I Make That Ok? An Answer To Self Defeating Relationship Patterns
Common thinking is that domestic violence is a ‘women’s issue.’ While it is true there are more reported abuse cases involving women, it is a fact that men are abused by their domestic partners as well.
My belief is that there is indeed a gender factor when we think of abuse in the ‘general sense.’ By general I mean all forms and manifestations of abuse: reckless conduct, competitive violent aggression, abuse associated with lowered inhibitions, excessive stress reactivity, underdeveloped interpersonal communication skills, and the abusive conduct that can be a byproduct of drug-seeking behavior and the like.
However, I do not believe there is as much a gender factor when it comes to the abuse characteristic of ‘intimate partner violence,’ (domestic abuse, spousal abuse, domestic violence) as it’s defined in the professional literature. With respect to this syndrome, there is more of a ‘human factor’ underlying its dynamics.
The Real Factor
It is a human factor that is fundamentally about control. Violence may be a manifestation of domestic abuse, but domestic abuse is really about control. And I don’t think it matters whether the controlling party is wearing pants or a skirt, whether he/she contributes as breadwinner or as housekeeper, or whether this person deposits the checks or cashes them.
Domestic violence is not bound by traditional male female stereotypes; rather it is a human obsessive compulsion for control. One might even say it’s a psychosocial addiction to control.
Domestic Abuse Incidence to Men
In my consulting and psychotherapy practice, as well as in my life, I see almost as many men who are victimized/battered by their female intimate partners as women. (Studies show that nearly 40% of domestic violence victims each year are men.) The only difference I see between the abused man and the abused woman is the social politics surrounding their issues.
Seeing domestic violence beyond gender helps us identify the essence of battering behavior, that is the larger context from which it unfolds. From here, we are in a better position to act in our best interest.
By: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Article Directory: http://www.articledashboard.com
Dr. Jeanne King helps individuals, families and healthcare professionals to recognize and end domestic abuse. Would you know if you’re in an abusive relationship? If you’d like private, confidential and immediate clarification of this for yourself, visit www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com.
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Technorati Tags: Abused Men - Abusive Partner And The Gender Factor
