How Did I Make That Ok? An Answer To Self Defeating Relationship …
Have you ever found yourself in a repetitive and negative pattern of behavior in relationships? Have you consistently gotten unhappy results, but felt clueless as to how you got them? Have you believed that "they" were tricking or deceiving you? Have you suffered and been unhappy every time you’ve repeated the cycle? Do you wonder how to break free? There is a way.
The first thing to do is to realize that there is one common factor among all those experiences…you. Even though, seemingly, you made great efforts in your selections so as not to make the "same mistake" again, you got the same results. Even though you took great care to behave differently this time, it turned out the same…you were upset and unhappy. How could it be that, no matter what you did differently, you still ended up miserable?
There can be only one explanation. YOU are the common factor in all these relationships. You must be dong something…albeit consciously…that produces what you’re getting.
Take care here; however, this is not a reason to be mean to yourself. It’s not about being self abusive or calling yourself names. Don’t spiral down into the black hole of self hatred. This is simply a "light bulb" moment of realization, "I am the common factor, it must be a pattern of mine which is outside my conscious understanding at this time." Period!
It is nothing more, nothing less. I must be doing something repetitively…that I’m not aware of…that ends up negatively. This is not about making "them" wrong either. Most likely, it involves two people with unconscious patterns. It’s not about looking to blame anyone. There is no power in playing victim games. From this place, you can start to unravel the issue and begin to figure out what new behaviors you want to put into place.
The question to ask yourself is, "How did I Make That OK?" The purpose is to uncover the pattern of rationalizations you use to permit and allow unacceptable behavior.
An example might be that a woman with a pattern of allowing herself to be abused might have these rationalizations, "But he was so sorry, I’m sure he won’t do it again." or "He treated her that way, but he’s so madly in love with me. I’m sure he wouldn’t do that to me."
In this example, what new behaviors would make sense for this woman? How about, "I decide to no longer continue a relationship with a man at the first sign of abuse of me or others.", or "I am choosing to spend time with men who are gentle and kind to others as their way of being. I choose to notice when ‘gentle’ men become angry and rage about minor matters."
Another instance might be the man who consistently finds himself in a pattern of rescuing women. Asking, "How did I make that OK?" might bring him some answers like, "But she seems so helpless she needs me!", or "I can feel like a real hero by rescuing her and it’s hardly any effort to me." The potential new patterns here might be, "I choose to be aware when I’m picking up ‘I’m helpless. Rescue me.’ Signals.", or "I decide that my friends are self reliant without ‘helpless’ patterns."
Making a point of asking yourself, "How did I make that OK?" can uncover a wealth of information about your unconscious rationalizations. Looking at these justifications can help you discover the absurdity of your choices, undo your self defeating patterns, and put self supportive new habits into place.
By: Suzi Elton
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Suzi Elton is a success coach working with highly creative types to create income that matches their talent. She has coached hundreds of clients to approach their goals strategically through tiny steps to bring about quantum leaps. Get free Life Purpose exercises, at mylifepurposecoaching.com.
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I am sick of hearing that the victim basically does something wrong to keep picking these sick maniacs. I was married to an abusive man and quite relieved when he died of cancer. I stayed with him because if financial reasons. He made a lot of money and I did not. If I left him I would be living like a dog in some trashed out run down shack. That was not acceptable. Maybe it is to some people but having been brought up with the proverbial silver spoon I was not willing to give that up to live like a pauper and risk losing my son.
For three years I had a wonderful time following his death. Then I met someone and he moved in with me. I never married him because all of the property is mine and I did not desire legal issues if it did not work out. Every time he buys me something expensive I get a gift card, dated and signed. For 10 years he was very nice, even wimpy. I tend to be a very strong willed woman and I like to run the show. Since it is my house and my family antiques my current “friend” has nothing to say about how things go. About six years ago he became the primary breadwinner and that is when he changed. I thought I had been very careful about not repeating a prior mistake and carefully selecting a very mild mannered man but he turned into an abusive tyrant. He hates it because he turns over his paycheck to me to pay the expenses and hasn;t any decision making power and he gets physically abusive. He knows I will take it because I made the mistake of telling him about my first husband. I detest him. If I had enough money to meet my expenses and keep my house running without him he would be long gone. For you legal advisors out there, do not fear, my homestead was paid in full long before I met him and my antiques were family heirlooms, all of which in Texas are separate property to which he hasn;t any claim. He pays taxes and utilities and food. I consider it rent as he lives here and enjoys the home and furnishings. I have not allowed him to make any capital expenditures to improve the place. And of course we are not married.
It disgusts me to hear that victims choose abusers. I certainly did not. During the ten years when I did not need his financial support he could not have been kinder. The moment I did he changed.
Next time I will never divulge to any man that I was ever abused. That way they will not get the idea that they can do it.